


Do Not Go Gentle Into That Goodnight

by toriels_sock_drawer



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst angst angst angst angst, Anxiety, Depression, Explicit Language, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Nightmare, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Post-Pacifist Route, Suicide Attempt, seriously like a hell of a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-05 10:08:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6700660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toriels_sock_drawer/pseuds/toriels_sock_drawer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And you, my love, there on the sad height,<br/>Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.<br/>Do not go gentle into that goodnight.<br/>Rage, rage against the dying light.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do Not Go Gentle Into That Goodnight

**Author's Note:**

> This fic deals with a lot of really intense topics, including suicidal thoughts/actions. Please be mindful, and proceed at your own risk. (Also I know this is super long for a one-shot I'm sorry)

The water slowly poured down into the abyss. It ran past the wet walls of the purple cavern, dotted with flecks of moss and miscellaneous wrappers, bags, and other objects, strewn about the jagged edges. It all lead to blackness, however, and there could be no accurate answer as to what resided down there. It could be estimated, sure, that the darkness lead to sharp, jagged stalagmites that could impale you with ease, or perhaps it was piled up with other worthless junk, that could shatter your ribs, spine, or skull upon impact. Or, maybe, there was no bottom, and you could just remain in a downward descent, an eternal, empty fall.

Just imagine the feeling of the wind across your face, through your coat and across your chest, circling around your back and your head. Imagine that moment of release when your feet disconnect from the edge of the ledge. Just think about the sensation of plummeting down, down, down, letting all of your troubles and responsibilities escape from your head and your heart, letting it all come to one abrupt stop.

No more mistakes.

No more expectations.

No more questions.

No more hiding.

And best of all, you’d be getting what you deserve.

Alphys stood, bracing her legs against the running water, at the edge of the drop-off. She stared into the black pit, or rather, looked past it. Her mind was somewhere else entirely, somewhere much deeper and darker than the abyss before her. Her hands were clutching her sides, trembling. She had left her cell phone at home. She had made sure to feed the Almagams one last time. She had remembered to lock the laboratory, so she wouldn’t have to worry about them getting out. Everything had been planned out up until this moment. She was ready this time. She was going to finally follow through with it. Absolutely nothing would be able to stop her.

So why couldn’t she just do it?

  
Alphys took off her spectacles with shaky hands. She quickly shoved them into her coat pocket. She could feel the sweat running down her neck. What was the matter with her? Why wouldn’t she just take the step already? This is what needed to happen, this was the only solution. She deserved to die. She deserved to die because of all of the horrible things she had done to those innocent monsters, just because of her own stupidity and ambition. Those poor creatures were now altered beyond repair because of her. She couldn’t face their families. She couldn’t face the King. She couldn’t face anyone without feeling immense waves of guilt, dread, fear...she wanted to scream, she wanted to cry, she wanted to kick and punch and claw herself to shreds.

She wanted to die.

Slowly, she took a step closer to the edge, her eyes still glued into the darkness. An involuntary whimper surfaced from her throat, and she stifled it quickly. She prepared to raise her arms up to her sides, and…

_____________________________________________________

 

Alphys’s eyes burst open. Her body felt heavy and fatigued from the adrenaline coursing through her veins. She couldn’t move. Shadows were dancing across the balcony window of the bedroom, the trees violently swaying in the wind. Alphys listened to it howl and whistle through the air. Her mind was racing.

She slowly stirred, like breaking her limbs from ice, and sat up. She swung her legs over the edge, and let her feet dangle above the ground. She watched as they traced tiny circles in the air. Minutes passed.

Alphys looked back at Undyne, asleep. She was wearing an old t-shirt with some old human band on it, and a pair of boxers. Undyne really was a heavy sleeper. She was notorious for being able to withstand any level of disturbance without being affected. Sans and Papyrus had even tested this, and tried as much as serenading her via trombone, blanketing her in spaghetti, and even sending her (with her mattress included) out into the snow. All attempts proved ineffective, although the sport of watching her wake up was always fun to be there for. Despite this invincibility, the ex-guard’s body clock was incredibly well-tuned. She would wake up the same time every day, without missing a step. This lead to many breakfast-in-bed surprises for Alphys, which she always enjoyed.

Alphys slowly placed her feet on the ground, and shifted her weight off the bed. Although she knew Undyne wouldn’t stir, she still put all her effort into causing as little movement as possible. She slowly slid off the side and straightened up. She stood like a statue for minutes on end, letting her thoughts topple over each other in her head. She stared out the window at the trees swaying in the gusts of air. She watched them writhe and cut their limbs through wind, wood creaking, leaves rustling. She turned her head to the left.

    Alphys saw herself reflected in the mirror that sat on the dresser next to their bed. The moon cast violent shadows across her face. She was painted with blue across her brow, her nose, and her chest. The quiet light brushed all past the right side of her body. Her left side fell into obscurity; her eye and her teeth had a sort of soft glow to them, standing out in the dark. Her silhouette stood out against the beige walls behind her, which now looked dark gray in the black of night.

She felt so...raw.

Alphys watched in the mirror as a small, yellow hand raised itself up towards her face. She felt it rest on her cheek. She watched as her other hand came up, and felt them begin to graze across her face. They traced around her eyebrows, came down across her nose, and painted her chin and her throat. She felt the pressure increase. It didn’t feel like it was her hands. It felt so disconnected, so unconcious. She felt something begin to cut into her neck, and realized that her hands had tensed up, causing her claws to dig into her scales. She pulled them away, and saw a soft trace of crimson begin to trickle down her neck. The pain was there, but it felt muffled and fuzzy, like static on a TV. Alphys didn’t feel like she was really there. She didn’t feel real.

Alphys turned her head towards the glass sliding door of the balcony.

Time passed.

Alphys slowly started to make her way towards the door.

Her ankles wobbled as she walked barefoot across the carpet. She carefully stepped over the crumpled clothes and the empty boxes of ramen. She came to the door and let out a quivering sigh. Her hand found its way to the handle. She let it slowly grasp the cold, metallic rod. She was frozen. After a moment, Alphys slowly opened the door.

The wind hit her face immediately. All sounds amplified at once, a symphony of rustling, howling, and creaking. She stepped out onto the cold concrete floor. Her shirt rippled in the warm breeze. She slowly walked towards the metal railing that wrapped around the edge of the balcony. She stood there, breathing heavily.

_No more mistakes._

 She grabbed the railing, and began to climb over.

  _No more expectations._

 She managed to get one leg up and over.

  _No more hiding._

 She locked her foot into the bar that ran across the bottom, and let her other leg fall over the side.

  _And best of all, you’d be getting what you deserve._

 She turned herself around to face the open sky. Her hands gripped the top of the railing, her back pressed against it. Her tail started to wrap itself around the vertical bars. The wind pushed and pulled against her body. She looked below.

 Their backyard was small, measuring only at about 6 feet long. It sprawled close to 15 feet wide, leaving some room to place deck chairs, and other things of the like. It was lined with a sturdy wooden fence, which wrapped around to the sides of the house. On the other side of the fence was a drop off--a canyon, to be exact--filled with greenery, and it dipped down sharply. Alphys was figuring out how she could clear the fence without hitting it. If she did end up surviving, she didn’t want it to hurt.

 She heard bed springs creaking. 

 _Just imagine the feeling of the wind across your face--_  

“...Alphys...? Hey, Alphys...?” 

_Imagine that moment of release--_

 “...What’s going on...?”

  _\--when your feet disconnect from the edge of the ledge--_

  “Alphys?!”

  _\--the sensation of plummeting down, down, down,--_

 “ALPHYS!”

  _\--letting it all come to one abrupt--_

 Alphys released her grip from the railing.

 She felt a moment of antigravity. She let her body begin to pull itself downward, and the world started to tip upwards towards her. She could feel the breeze flowing around her, just like she had imagined.

 She felt so...free.

 A hand grabbed the back of her shirt. She felt a sharp, painful jolt as it went taut. Her feet flew out from under her, and her back slammed into the iron bars of the railing. She clawed at her shirt as she felt herself being raised up. Another hand grabbed her under her arm and lifted her up and over the railing. Alphys kicked and screamed. She felt herself being carried away. Before she knew it, she was on the ground in her torn shirt, looking up at Undyne. Undyne was standing in front of the closed door, her blue spears barring it. Her face was full of fear.

 Alphys ran towards Undyne and collided with her stomach. She started hitting it, punching it with all of her strength. She needed to get back out there. She couldn’t let herself fail again. She needed to get what she deserved. She needed to die. She...she needed to…

 Undyne threw her arms around Alphys and pulled her into her chest. Alphys struggled until she pushed herself away. Undye let go, and Alphys flung herself onto the bed, sobbing.

 “Alphys, it’s okay, you’re gonna be okay--”

 “No, i-it’s not! I-it’s not okay!”

 “Shhh, I know, I know, I’m sorry--”

 “I c-can’t do this, Undyne, I c-can’t!”

 “Yes you can, Alphys, it’s okay.”

 “Why didn’t I d-do anything?!--”

 “You did, you did everything you could, it’s all okay now--”

 “S-STOP IT!!” Alphys screamed. She stood up and backed away from Undyne. “IT’S N-NOT OKAY! I _r_ - _ruined_ them! They’re l-like this now b-because of _me_ ! Because I was r-reckless and stupid I r-ruined them! If I had just d-done the experiment c-correctly then they would be f-fine now, but now they’re just b-bad results from an experiment gone wr-wrong, g-gone wrong because of me! I-it’s _my_  fault that they’re like this, i-it’s _my_  fault I’m so stupid, a-and I’m a horrible person who deserves n-nothing! _I_  did this! _I_  did this…!”

 Alphys collapsed to her knees. She curled into a ball and dissolved into tears. Undyne had come to the bed to comfort her, but had backed away when Alphys had exploded. She was frozen with shock. After a moment, she slowly began to trudge towards Alphys. She kneeled down and placed her hands on Alphys’s back.

 “Alphys…”

 “...w-why can’t I just d-die…”

 “ _Alphys._ ”

 Alphys slowly raised her head to the sound of Undyne’s voice. When she saw Undyne’s face, her stomach knotted. She slowly began to sit up.

 Undyne was...crying. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, and her face looked strained. She looked completely broken and defenseless. She slowly grabbed Alphys’s hand.

 “Do you...do you really mean that?” Undyne asked.

 “I...I-I, um...I…”

 Undyne choked. She hid her face in her hand. She squeezed Alphys’ tighter. Alphys shifted her weight. She had never seen Undyne cry before. Undyne could often be somber or sullen, but it had never resorted to tears. Now, as she saw Undyne completely crumble in front of her, she was terrified.

 “...W-what...a-are you…”

 “You really think you’re a horrible person? You really think you don’t deserve anything?”

 Alphys hesitantly nodded her head. Undyne sighed between tears. She pulled Alphys towards her and into her lap. She wrapped Alphys in a tight embrace. Undyne spoke with a trembling voice.

 “Fuck, Alphys...that’s not true. Oh my god, it’s not true at _all._ Alphys, you are one of the most amazing monsters I have ever met. You’re so fucking kind, you’re so smart...you’re what makes my life bearable.”

 “...w-what do you mean…?”

 “What do you think I’d do without you? You make up so much of my life. Everyday, I ask myself, ‘How did this happen? How did I end up with this amazing, beautiful person to share my life with? What did I do to deserve their love and compassion?’”

 Alphys’s vision began to fill with tears.

 “You have changed my life, Alphys. I wouldn’t be able to live it without you. I care so much about you. So much, that...seeing you like this just fucking tears me apart.”

 Undyne buried her face in Alphys’s shoulder. Alphys felt tears clawing at her throat, and she collapsed into sobs. Alphys grabbed onto Undyne and squeezed her tight. Undyne squeezed back.

 “You deserve all of this. You deserve so much more. You are not a failure, you’re not stupid, and good _god_ you don’t deserve to die. I love you more than words will ever be able to describe. I swear to you. Please remember that.”

 For a little while, the room was nothing but tears. The two monsters sat there on the ground, clinging to each other desperately. To let go would be the end of both.

 “I’m so s-sorry, Undyne…”

 “...No, don’t…”

 “...I-I didn’t want this to happen…”

 “...I know, I know…”

 “...I’m so sorry…”

 “...Please...don’t let go yet…”

 The wind whistled through the trees. The moon shone through the glass door, causing shadows to dance across the room. The breath of the night faded, and resolved into infinite quiet.

 And all was soft and pleasant.

 


End file.
